my minds been in a chaotic state since last week.
it's not easy for me to decide which is which.
in the first place, there's actually nothing to be choose about.
it's just me, who really make things so awfully complicated.

he loves me but i like him except for he loves she.
can you picture the craziness that i'm trying to indicate?

ayoko na talaga.
i just don't know where to start.
to hell with this flirtationship stage.
i need to have a kickback with my friends.
maybe they can help me..


..one more bottle of beer please.

there's a lot of what if's and it must have been and if ever.
ayokoooooo na kasi.

grabe na to. ang gulo!
this past few days, parang nakasakay ako sa roller coaster.
grabe ang nangyari sakin.
paikot-ikot, exciting, nakakakaba, nakakairita, nakakaiyak.
lahat na ng emosyon andon.

halos lahat ng taong malapit sakin na sinabihan ko sa nangyayari sa buhay ko e, gustong sabihin saking, sana wag akong magsisi sa ginagawa ko.
oo, alam kong most of the time, i ended up with regrets kasi super impulsive ako.
pero yung nafeefeel ko.
ewan ko.
para sakin mahalaga ang pakiramdam e.
kapag nag-iba na, wala na akong pakialam sa iba.

..dumating si ric kahapon sa bahay.
pinag-usapan namin ang mga bagay-bagay saming 2.
ang sama ko talaga kahit kelan.
parang binalewala ang 2 taong pagsasama.
akala ko tuluyan na kaming magbrea-break.
pero mas pinili niyang mag-usap muna kami.
yun ang gusto ko sa kanya, hindi niya ko basta-bastang binibitawan.
mahal na mahal niya ko.
pero aminado ako sa ngayon magulo ang lahat.
grabe kasi, pinapayagan kong guluhin nila ang buhay ko ng wala akong kalaban-laban.
nalulungkot ako.
hindi ko alam.

hindi pa din kame ok ni ric ng 100% pero sana, bumalik sa dati.
yung dati.
nung ramdam ko pa ang lahat.

" pag pinagaawayan ka, malamang maganda o gwapo ka. sumama ka sa mabuti, d sa mabait. sa marunong, di sa matalino. sa Mahal ka, di sa Gusto ka."

                            -a morning thoughts from "BOB ONG".

psssssssst. nakikinig ka ba?

MAKINIG KA. dali. please.

sabi ko.

"HOY!"

masyadong kampante.
baka magkabwisitan.
dapat kasi alam mo na.
na hindi dapat.
bahala ka ikaw din.
sabihin mo na naman, nakapuntos na naman.
hirap naman kasi talaga diba.
kung yun lang yung way para matigil na..
wag na.
e ikaw lang din naman ang mahihirapan diba?
palaging may banat na nakakatuwa.
naaliw ka din nman.
salamat na din kahit papaano me naitulong sa pagpapaiwas.
wag kang magsalita ng tapos kung hindi mo naman kayang panindigan.
ngayon, ayan na naman ang mga paru-paro. in all species.
yare ka!

:sana hindi ka magcc, bye na po.

isa sa mga huling nasabi mo sakin.
eto lang ha, e ayoko naman kasi talaga sayo.
ni wala nga akong nararamdamang kakaiba e.
siguro noong una, me konting tuwa, nung tipong nagulat ako sa  attention na binibigay mo.
pero as day passes by, wala akong makitang kahit katiting na connection.
ewan ko.
sabi nga nila, u're nothing but just a pretty face.

eto lang ha.
pakiramdam ko, porket alam mong medyo above average ang looks mo e,
feeling mo lahat na ng chix e magkakandarapa sayo.
na tipong sa isang pitik lang ng daliri mo e, mapapaikot mo na sila sa mga palad mo.
na parang si *toooooot* na isang text mo lang e, nagkakandarapa nang pumunta sa tabi mo.
pwes, hindi ako yung mga yun.
walang talab ang mga pa-ilab-ilabyu mo!
ang mga pa-misyu-misyu mo!
isa lang ang a-ilabyuhan ko, at ito ang buhay ko.

hmp.. laging ang sungit mo.
hmp.. lagi mo kong inaaway.
ano ba kita ha?
sus.
basta.
alam kong magulo din ako.
wala kang pake don.

so basta ngayon tapos na.
ayoko na maki-mingle sa iyo/inyo.
tapos na....
tama na....

namimiss ko na baby ko.
miss na miss ko na siya.
hindi na kasi katulad ng dati na almost everyday kaming magkasama.
as in kahit jumebs siya, andun ako outside ng cr naghihintay sa kanya at nakikipag kwentuhan.
kapag kasama ko kasi siya, hindi kami nauubusan ng napag uusapan.
one thing that i like about him is everytime we're having a conversation, hindi siya nauubusan ng sasabihin, positive or negative.
he always makes a comment on everything..
pero may substance.

sa kanya lang ako naging ganito.
sa kanya ko lang nafeel na kahit wala yun taong love mo sa tabi mo, namimiss mo pa din siya, nagwoworry ka, at alam mong love na love mo.
i wasn't like that before.
having a so-called "BOY-FRIEND" is fine with me na..
pero ngayon, i've realized it's not only about having a "boy (toy) friend"...
it's more of a connection, the love, the trust, the patience, having someone na alam mo na hindi ka kayang iwan at hindi mo din kayang iwan.
..sa kanya ko lahat na-feel yon.

i love you rick chavez ceballo, and i will always will.
miss na kita beb.
love na love pa.

READ THIS ARTIK FROM MY FRIENDS BULETTIN IN  FRIENDSTER. JUST THOUGHT OF BORROWING IT, SHARE KO LANG TO OTHERS..

She is 24-years old copywriter. He is an architech.They met and became lovers in college. They broke up last year but remained to be "friends." They sendsweet text messages and he calls her often to make sure she's okay. They still dating. They still have sex. They don't see anyone else.It's obvious that they still love each other but when asked about their situation, she doesn't know the real score. Even her friends are in the dark. " parang slia, pero hindi."

She works in a telecom. He is reviewing for the board. They are in the same barkada. They on the phone till 4 am. He gives her chocolates, flowers and cd's even when there's occasion. Their friends are suspecting something. Bakit sila nagsosolo kapag may over night inuman? Why does he hold her close to the dance floor? Bakit sila magkaholding handslagi? Sila kaya? "He hasn't admitted anything," she rants. "But I let him hug and kiss me. Parang kami pero hindi."

They work together in an ad agency. After office, they would atch movie, have dinner and stoll at Glorietta. She gave hem Harry Potter books for his birthday in exchange for posing as her boyfriend to make an ex jealous. They made out during the company outing in Subic and never talk about it. He said "I love you" once but she wasn't sure if she heard him correctly because they were both drunk then. But one thing she is sure of her feelings for him.She likes him. And she's assuming that with what he's doing to her and with her, he likes her too.
There just one hitch: He has a girlfriend.

She is a 28- year- old virgin. He is a 35-year-old bachelor. Both mountaineers, they become close during their climbs. After a few dates in posh restaurants, he bring her to his condo where they would make out. They are doing this for months. She wants to believe that "sila na" but then she's not really sure about it. "We don't about it but it doesn't really matter," She'd tell her friends. "What's important is I am enjoying this-- whatever it is.

The "parang kayo, pero hindi" stage. Other's call MU or mutual understanding. Psuedo-relationships. Psuedo-boyfriends. Flings. Almost like a relationship, But not quite. It's a phase where the persons involved are more than friends, but not quite lovers.Pwedeng may verbal agreement, pwedeng wala. One or both of you may have admitted your feelings, posible ding hinde.
You just let your gestures do the talking for you. Walang pormal na ligawang nangyari. Hindi kayo magjowa.
Pero sa kilos nyo, sa mga sinasabi nyo, parang kayo, pero hindi.This kind of "relationship" can happen at different stages for different reasons. It can happen after a break up. You still love each other, and you want to be with each other but you broke up for a reason.
And for reasons that you alone know, ayaw nyo na muna magkabalikan.It can also happen before a relationship, yung pareho kayong nakikiramdam. posible din na ayaw nyo munang magseryoso kaya kunwa-kunwarian lang muna. Testing lang.
Pwede ring hindi pwedeng maging kayo kasi isa sa inyo -- usually the guy -- may karelasyon na. Kaya habang hindi pa sya nakikipagbreak doon sa girl ( sabi nya makikipagbreak sya soon pero hindi naman nya ginagawa ),
Wala muna kayong relasyon para nga naman hindi sya nangangaliwa kasi " hindi naman kayo.This psuedo relationship stage, for a time, can be fun. Lalo na kung naghahanap ka lang naman ng " kalaro ".
Pero wag ka lang mag-e-expect na may patutunguhan kayo kasi wala talagang kasiguraduhan.
So bakit ang damin nagse-settle sa ganitong set up ganung hindi naman siguradong may patutunguhan? Ibat ibang dahilan. Pwedeng for fun lang. Pwedeng " buti na yan kesa wala".
Or pwede na yang " pantawidgutom ".
Meaning, habang wala pa yung the real thing, doon muna sa kunwa-kunwarian.
For those who are not in the serious relationship, they would think that psuedo relationship is better than no relationship at all.
t would be fun, if all you are after is that " kilig " feeling.......
Aminado naman ako na once upon a time, may mga psuedo relationship din ako.
No commitments involved.
For the simplest reason that they couldn't commit, because they were either committed to someone else, or that they weren't ready to commit.
My rationalization, " okay na yun, kesa wala. Ang habol ko lang naman, Iyong kilig feelings. Yung merong nagtatanong kung kumusta ang araw ko.
Yung merong ka-cuddle sa beach outing.
yung kapag tumunog ang cellphone, napapangiti na ko dahil alam kong galing sa kanya ang message.
Iyong meron laging kasama.
Habang wala ang real thing, pwede na itong pagtyagaan.
But then i learned that all though it was only a psuedo relationship, but emotions were real. And usually, in this kind of set up, ang babae lagi ang lugi.

Una, you can't ask him to commit. since it's really a relationship, you can't demand commitment from your partner. Ano ba kayo? May K ka nga ba magpasundo ng hating gabi? You'll always be uncertain about your role in his life. You can't expect him to be always there with you. And if you feel jealous of the other girls, you just have to keep it to yourself. Ano ka ba nya para magselos?

Pangalawa, what if you fall deeply inlove with him? You can't be sure if he feels the same way. Baka nagaassume ka lang na mahal ka rin nya. Even if you're dying to tell you love him, You can't. Because your not sure if he'll like it. Baka mapahiya ka lang. This stage will always make you wonder where you are in the relationship. Or if there is a relationship at all.

Pangatlo, What if you become attached too much? What if you have invested all your emotion in this man hasn't? What if you remain faithful to him, not entertaining other guys, only to find out that he is seeing other girls?

Isa pang downside ng psuedo relationship, It's fleeting.
When the disagreement sets in, Or when one of you gets cold, then what would be the end of it.
Unlike in a serious relationship, wala kang pinanghahawakan.
Kasi sa psuedo relationship, ther is no " Us ". Meron lang "you and me" hindi "us".
Buti sana kung sa psuedo pain din lang ang mararanasan mo. Kaso, hindi eh. Real pa rin. And usually, kahit na tapos na ang psuedo relationship, hindi mo maiwasan umasang one day, may karugtong pa rin iyon.
And you will be miserable, hoping to bring back what you used to have, only to find out eventually that the guy is in another psuedo relationship with somebody else.
Ang hirap, ano?
You agreed to this kind of set up for fun and then you'd end up hurting yourself in the process.
Pero pwede naman maiwasan ang pain eh.
Pwede naman na hindi mo muna isipin ang future and just enjoy the feeling, without thinking the consequences.
But if you are certain that you are going to hurt yourself in the process, kailangan mo mamili. You can be happy and live the moment without worrying what would happen next.
Or you can stop settling with psuedo relationship and wait for the real thing.

When I was younger and in a psuedo relationship with an unavalable guy,
a friend told me "sige, kung aya mong magpapigil, bahala ka. Magpakasaya ka.
Pero wag kang iiyak-iyak pagkatapos, dahil tatadyakan kita.

Ang bottom line lang naman,
kung magpapasaya sayo, gawin mo.
Ihanda mo lang ang sarili mo sa cosequences.
Dahil ang " parang kayo pero hindi " stage ay bihirang nagiging totoo.
Usually, hanggang dun lang sya...
Almost, but not quite...

..nakita na naman kita.
chineck ko kasi yung account mo sa friendster e.
ganun kasi ako, once in a while, i check all my friends account para naman alam ko ang latest.
so. browse.. browse.. browse.. ok, added photo(s).
matingnan nga.
ay, pic ng girl..
sino siya?
teka..
Male, 26, In a Relationship
aok, that explains it all.
meron na naman siyang gf.
unang pumasok sa isip ko is,
gaano na naman kaya kabata yan?
gaano na naman kayo magtatagal niyan.
saan mo na naman nakilala?
sana forever na kayo....

para mapatawad mo na ko.

flashback...
(with matching background music.. samson)

year 1999 or 2001? not sure. ang tagal na e.
first time kitang nameet.
bulacan days.
dance-dance revo pa uso non.
sabi mo crush mo na ko, unang kita mo pa lang sakin.
alam mo kinilig ako non.

after a year or a year and a half.
2002.
tahimik ang mundo ko nun e. (err, tahimik nga ba?)
sumulpot ka at biglang nanggulo.
uso na text non.
24/7 tayo magkatext.
hindi pa uso unli at 300 pa lagi ang pinapaload mo sakin.
nanligaw ka.
sinagot kita... dahil na naman sa aking impulsiveness.
i was soooo very young then.
but i thought that i already knew everything.
i was soo wrong.

you we're so nice, and i am so damn mean.
sa tuwing tatawag ka sakin, it's either i'm cold or i make up excuses.
pinapakita ko pa sa ibang tao kung gaano ako ka-mean sayo.
pero wala yun sayo, grabe, ganoon ka kabait non.
and yung efforts mo sa pagpunta mo dito sa cavite, lalo na sa noveleta, na manggagaling ka pang morayta (sa school mo) and after, uuwi ka pa ng bulacan after natin magsama ng kahit isang oras lang.
grabe, later ko na lang narealize kung gaano sana ako kaswerte sayo.
you treated me like a princess.
sobra.
crush ka pa nga ng teacher kong bakla sa english nung high school e.
mukha ka daw ambango-bango, ang gwapo mo pa daw.
at yung ring na binigay mo sakin habang nakain tayo sa mcdo sa tanza....
kasabay ng pagkawala non ay ang tuluyang pagkawala mo noon sakin.
para mo na din kasi akong isinumpa non e.

..nabigla na nga lang ako sa nangyari e.
nagalit ka sakin kasi may nalaman ka.
pero bago non, nagpromise ka sakin na pagdating ko ng college, liligawan mo ulit ako.
pero, yea, right, promises are made to be broken.
wala na.
pero galit ka pa din.
sobra.

..sinisisi mo sakin kung bakit hindi mo natapos yung college mo.
bakit?
ewan ko.
sana lang maforgive mo ko.
nagsorry na ko sayo ng ilang times pero wala pa din.
galit ka pa din.
minsan hindi ka galit pero parang palaging sarcasm ang way ng salita mo sakin.
sana lang, maging ok tayo.
yung tipong wala na.
let's just forget all the things in the past, pwede ba yun?
tama na.
tska. sorry na, pwede ba?

PM ME IF YOU'RE INTERESTED.

PICS ARE HERE.

:hoy
:hoy ka din!
:kumain ka na.
:wow, 1st time. hindi pa e. kain na.

arrgh. hindi ko alam kung if that's an interogative or just a plain sentence.
or kung pautos ba or what?
basta ang naisip ko lang is,
wow, 1st time. sweet-sweet-an.
after nun wala ka na namang reply.
para ka lang nambwisit.
ayun.
yun lang.
haha!

natatawa ako sa mga actions mong pa-iba-iba.
you are so effin unpredictable.
ok yan. ok yan.

-----
so, my whole day was so freaking tiring tho the only thing that i do most is to sit the whole day.
ikaw na, humarap sa pc simula 8am to 10 in the evening, ihi at kain lang ang pahinga.
siyemps, bawal pumikit. kapagod diba.
kaya eto ako ngayon, nasa harap pa din ng PC.
(walang kasawaan diba?)
i have to research for my assignment pa for tomorrow.
sa lecheng networking na super kaduper scary ang prof na..... whatever.
haha.
bahala na.

::si sir mike, inask ako kung nagiinom ako. ..i stutter. hahahaha!

JUNE 29.

::"mahal na mahal kita RIC PANEGRO."
oo sige babuyin mo pangalan ko!

super nakakagulat.
daming conversation.
binura na kita e.
ano ba sa tingin mo ha?


1: "asan ka?"
2: "sa bahay."
1: "punta ko sa inyo".
2: "e di pumunta ka".
1: "kupal na lang ang hindi lumabas"
2: "leche"
1: "sabihin mo na lang kasi na wala ka sa inyo, tapos."
2: "e nandito nga ko, bakit ba?"
1: "susunugin ko bahay niyo"
2: "e di sunugin mo (but deep inside, takot na. haha). tumigil ka na nga".
1: "T(@*$&# mo!"
2: "t*@&$ ina mo din!"
1: "mas gugustuhin ko pang mamatay na lang kesa sa maghintay sa walang kwenta"
2: "nasan ka ba kasi? baliw ka na ba?"
1: "gusto mong batuhin ko yang bintana niyo sa may hi-way?"
2: "batuhin mo! baliw ka na! bakit mo bako inaaway ha?!"
1: "andito na ko nag aabang ng jeep!"
2: "san ba?"
1: "kung hindi mo ko makita sa hi-way, magpakasagasa ka na lang".
2: "di ikaw, tutal naman ikaw na ang nasa hi-way e!"
1: "t@&%*na ka, hindi lang talaga ako makasakay ng jeep e."

lumabas ako.
andiyan ka nga.
baliw ka ngang talaga.
bakit ka nagpunta?
di ko expect yun ha.
inamin mo sakin na hindi mo lang isang beses na ginawa yun.
malas ko lang kasi hindi ako nakatulog ng maaga.
naabutan mo ako.
malas mo din noong mga nakakaraan, tulog na ko.
maghintay ka sa wala.
ano ba?
wala akong nararamdaman e.
sabay may nakita naman akong kakaiba.
ewan ko ba sayo.

minsan normal ka namang kausap e.
pero hindi pa din kita maintindihan.
kahit kaharap na kita.
clueless pa din ako sa kung sino kang talaga.
patawa ka e.
isa ka talagang..
BALIW!
PRANING!
ABNORMAL!
WEIRDO!
yan ka!

ganito ka e, hirap kasi i-explain.
minsan ka nga lang magtext.
tapos maguusap tayo ng ayos.
sabay magdradrama ka na!
hanggang sa mabubuset na ko sayo.
tapos mag-aaway na tayo.
tapos mawawala ka.
magpaparamdam ka, tapos may bago ka na namang pakulo.
tsk. tsk.
yoko na..
kung sana noon pa..
sayang, huli ka na.

namimiss ko na yung dati.
yung dati.
madami akong namimis.
madami din akong gusto i-erase sa memory ko forever.
miss ko na sina james. miss ko na talaga sila.
miss ko na yung dating ensayo sa laguna, one whole day yun.
yosi lang ang pahinga.
miss ko na yung pinagtutulungan ako ni dex at jonas.
pagtulungang asarin. tapos ako naman asar-talo.
miss ko na yung ulam namen palagi hotdog at corned-beef pati egg.
miss ko na din yung kwentuhan moments namen.
sharing..
miss ko yung mga tambay namen ni james sa esem.
si macoy na muntikan ko ng maging crush...
hahaha!
in short miss ko na ang bandang NOIDYEAH!

..mamiss ko sila.
mamimiss ko to.
paalam.

pasok na naman sa OJT.
enjoy naman e.
saya kaya.
so GOOD MORNING ha.

si sir, may oc.
waaah. kakainggit.
hahaha!
joke!